Yesterday was "Donuts with Dad" at preschool.
Elizabeth and Daddy were both pretty excited about their special day!
I love this picture! I'm not sure what this pout is about, but if you can't tell... Elizabeth has got daddy wrapped around her little finger! One little pout like this, and he gives in every time. Leave it to say, when it comes to discipline, I'm the "bad cop" in our house.
Speaking of discipline, when I came to pick Elizabeth up from Preschool, I was very excited to see how their special day had gone.
Sadly, when I arrived, the preschool teachers pulled me aside, and let me know that Elizabeth had a really bad day. They weren't sure what had caused it, but suspected it had to do, in part, from a diaper change.
On a side note: I don't know if I've mentioned this on the blog or not, but starting around the same time Elizabeth started preschool (about 5 months ago), she developed quite the fear of being changed on anything up high. She literally has a panic attack at the thought or mention of changing her up high, especially on those folding tables you find in malls and the like. She literally panics... crying "The ceiling! The ceiling! I'm falling! No! No!" I have no idea why this all started; as far as I know she has NEVER fallen from one. But, the fact remains that she is terrified. This means I usually change her on the floor, and have asked the preschool staff to do the same whenever possible.
At any rate, after Donuts with Dad, Elizabeth had a poopy diaper, which is rare at preschool. The teachers explained that because it was poopy they had to change her on the table. To make a long story short, she had another panic attack. After the diaper change, the teachers explained that she was in a very hateful, disrespectful mood, being mean to the kids her class, and refusing to share. They weren't sure what set it off... whether it was all the sugar from the donuts, the fact that dad was there in the morning--a change in her routine, the fact that she had to get changed up on the table--resulting in a panic attack, but whatever the trigger, she had not behaved well.
To be honest, I wasn't terribly surprised. But at the same time, I was terribly ashamed--and not ashamed with her, but myself. I couldn't help by cry on the way home, wondering, "where did I go wrong as a mother that my daughter is getting in trouble in PREschool?" Like every mother who has ever existed on this planet, I felt, and still feel, like such a failure at times.
I must say, I love my daughter and her strong-willed personality! Really, she is what I've always longed to be... outgoing, independent, smart, opinionated, LOUD! But, at the same time, this personality proves quite the challenge in the turbulent toddler years! Needless to say, we are REALLY struggling each day. To deal, I'm trying ANYTHING and EVERYTHING! I've read several books on discipline and raising a "spirited" child, I've tried reward systems, I've tried timeouts, spankings, just about everything under the sun. Nothing has shown to work. I try to be as consistent as possible, although I know I'm not perfect. And I NEVER give in when she's having a tantrum, no matter how embarrassing that can be in public, and how much easier it would be to just give in. But I don't. Still, she keeps on.
I've also listened to the advice of many relatives... of course, they all have different opinions and different words-of-widsom to pass along. Do this, don't do that. One person will tell me I don't say "no" enough, I don't discipline enough... then another will say they think I'm too hard on her. It's hard to know who to listen to. And perhaps the hardest part is hearing my mom say that none of her children had tantrums, that we were all very good, obedient children. I don't know why, but this always leaves me feeling even worse.
For the past few months I've considered the fact that she might have ADHD. This is amazignly ironic, since the first year of her life my husband and I were obsessive about keeping our TV turned off in fear that it would make her so. Still, I'm not sure if that's what it is. Elizabeth IS able to focus, even for hours on end... she can play in her room by herself, she loves to read books up in her chair each morning for long periods of time (often hours), and when she gets on a task, she's very focused. I know a lot of children her age that can't play by themselves at all and can't focus the way she can, and many who can't even stay in timeout like she can. The problem, though, is her energy level. At times, it's as though her mind is racing and she just can't settle down no matter what we do. She just gets these bursts of hyper energy, almost mania, and just cannot calm down. It's during those times that she misbehaves the most. As a result, I recently have started reading up on diet and how eliminating certain foods, and adding others, can help those struggling with ADHD symptoms.We'll see.
Sometimes I think a big part of it has to do with how smart she is. I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging, but she's really a very gifted little girl. She was having conversations with me at 15 months, she could recognize alphabet letters around that same time along with shapes, and by 18 months knew all of her colors and before she turned two she could sing the "Fifty Nifty" song (where you sing all 50 states in alphabetical order) and could recognize nearly all of the US states. According to everything I've read, these are skills that even three and four year olds struggle with (shapes, colors, letters, etc) and as far as the states, well that's something a lot of adults I know have problems with--lol. Now, at almost two and a half, she knows the sounds that all the letters make, she walks around sounding out words "buh-buh-ball... ball starts with B" and when I work with her, she can sound out/read small words! She's also starting writing letters; we've been working the most on the letter "E" which she can do without any help! To top it off, she has an amazing memory and loves to play pretend. Every day we transform into different things... kings and queens, or doctor and patient, or characters from TV, or (like today) puppets... I don't know where she gets this from! She also has lately been talking about a friend-mouse of hers named "Kack-O." She talks about him like he's real. He lives at preschool, but often comes home to visit. For awhile I thought this "friend" was a person, but today I asked her to describe him to me. She said, "Kack-O is a mouse. He likes to tickle my toes. Now stop talking about him!" This has been going on for about a week now. I'm not sure if this constitutes a make-believe friend, but from what I've read, this, too, is often a sign of giftedness.
To top it off, we are constantly being told how smart she is by others, especially others with children close in age. Literally, every time we go to pick her up from the church nursery, (there is a different person watching the children during the service), and each time we get "Your daughter is SO smart" or like a few weeks back, "She's brilliant! I can't believe how smart she is!" For the first year and a half of her life, we were flattered by such compliments. Our hearts beamed with pride and joy for our wonderful, smart little girl. Now, though, it's almost too much. "Yes, we know!" is our usual reply, "she's too smart for her own good!" And it's true.
I think being so smart means she thinks she can outsmart me. In fact, I know she can. Just last Sat. on our way home from seeing Curious George, she asked if she could have a snack (I had forgotten that she had spotted a lolipop in my purse that morning, and I had taken it from her and put in my purse.) I told her, "I'm sorry honey, if we had snacks in the car, I'd let you have one; but we don't have any snacks, so you'll have to wait until we get home." Her reply: "There's a lolipop in your purse." Ugh! She likes to test every limit, and push every button. As my mom once said, I will draw the line in the sand, and she will stick her little toe over. Lol! And it's true.
Anyway, we have good days, often good weeks, even good months! She can be so amazingly sweet, so amazingly helpful, so amazingly thoughtful! But then there are the not so good days, the days that try my patience, the days that leave me exhausted and wondering what I'm going to do. Please don't misinterpret what I'm saying. I love my daughter with all my heart and soul. And I love the amazing person she is, and I'm so blessed that God chose me as her mama! She's everything I wish I could be. But, I would be lying if I didn't say it is a struggle and a challenge at times.
Isn't it amazing how our children challenge everything we "thought" we knew about children. I know before having children, I had a long list of things "my" child would NEVER do! MY child won't watch TV, MY child will eat his/her vegetables, MY child won't throw tantrums in the store. And yet, Elizabeth has done them all.... tantrums in the middle of stores (flat on the floor of course)--even though I NEVER give in to the things she wants, refusing to eat anything healthy, disobeying, talking back, etc. all the things I said "my" child wouldn't do, she's done and more. Surely this is no coincidence.
Along with parenting books and strategies, lately I've been spending lots and lots of time in prayer--praying that she can learn to make better choices, praying that God can show me how to be a better mother, praying that we will SURVIVE each day and that each day things will improve.
Anyway, to finish my story, after getting the bad report from Elizabeth's preschool teachers, we walked to the car in silence. I loaded up brother, and put her in her carseat and took hold of the bottom of her chin. I was very firm, asking her to look me in the eye and I let her know that I was very mad that her teachers had said she wasn't acting nicely in preschool. I told her we would NOT be getting McDonalds for lunch (which I had promised earlier) and that if the teachers EVER told me she was behaving badly again, she would get a spanking and that it would HURT. She had tears in her eyes, pouted her lip, and looked down sadly. We drove home in complete silence, which is unusual for Elizabeth. I figured once we passed the McDonalds she would test me on it by asking if we could eat there (which she usually does a million times on our way home). But she didn't. She sat quietly the whole time. After lunch she had a nap, and when she woke up, I went into her room and said in a chirpy voice "Good afternoon!" To which, she replied, "Are you mad at me mama?" I said, "No! I'm proud of you for taking such a nice nap... now lets go get a snack."
I'm not sure if I handled that well. If not, I'm sure she will test me again and give me another opportunity to get it right. But really, what more can you do? You correct, you are firm, then you forgive and move on.
I love you, Elizabeth! One day when you read this (that is, if I let you read this), I want you to know that I love every bit of you, and I feel so honored to be your mother. I just hope I can be the best mother possible. Thank you for teaching me patience, and for challenging me to do better! I hope you'll be as proud of me one day as I am of you, my beautiful, wonderful, strong-willed baby girl! XOXO
