I’m sending out a Babysitter S.O.S.
Why?
Because my husband and I (of almost 9 years in December) would like to do something pretty simple: go on a date.
I know that might seem mundane. Kinda ordinary. Not really deserving of a “distress signal.” Perhaps its something you and your husband do every week, or at least every month, and think nothing of it.
But we don’t.
Don’t go on dates, that is.
In fact, since having children (our first, born 4 years ago) I can count the number of dates we’ve had on one hand. One.
Why you ask?
Because we don’t have family here to help.
To those of you who’ve never had children, I’m certain your first thought is… what the heck?! Why haven’t you called up a nanny agency or placed a classified in your local paper? I’m sure you could do background checks and interview all the best candidates. Surely there is someone you can hire to watch your children.
Well, actually, I can’t.
For those of you who have children, you know how impossible it is to leave your children even in the care of those you know and trust. But a stranger? Someone you don’t know? Not happening. And no matter how many background checks and interviews you conduct, how do you REALLY know your children are in safe hands? My mom, a social worker, has passed along far too many horror stories of babysitters and nannies who came with RAVE reviews and GLOWING resumes, who only went on to severely abuse and neglect the children in their care. And it only takes once. So nope. Going that route Is out. Period.
The other option is to hire someone we DO know and we DO trust.
Okay… alright... people we know and trust...??? Hmmmm. Let's see. Well, if you group all the people we know AND trust who live in this area, it basically boils down to two categories: a) adults with children (or experience with children); and b) teens from church.
Option A is out of the question. I just do not feel comfortable asking someone I know, who has children of their own, to take on MY children (in addition to their own) so we can go out and have fun. Believe me, we’ve tried the “swapping” thing, where one night we watch their kids, one night they watch ours. And there are multiple problems with this. First of all, the logistics of getting 4 adults (and who knows how many children) all available and not sick on the same day, is virtually impossible. We’ve scheduled, only for someone to come down sick. We reschedule, something comes up with an adult at work. We reschedule again, someone else is sick now. It’s a logistics nightmare. Second of all, we know very few people in the area who do not have family nearby (like us) to help with their kids. So to “swap” always makes us feel like they are doing it to be nice, and not really because they want to or need to. After all, they have their OWN family to help watch their kids. So they really don’t need to swap, it’s just kind of a nice gesture, which only makes us feel totally guilty, to the point that you can’t enjoy your date. You can’t enjoy it because you’re too worried that your kids are tearing up their house, or that maybe you’re taking too long… worried that your friends are going to be mad, or at the very least, annoyed. So asking friends/adults in the area we know and trust, is out.
That brings us to option B. Hire a teenager who we know and trust to come to our home and watch our kids. Sounds easy enough. There are SO many young girls at our church, who help in the nursery, who would be fabulous babysitters. I know them. I trust them. They are good with kids. They want to earn money. It’s win-win. Well, except when it’s win-lose. Most of the teen girls we trust do not have a car AND most of the teen girls we know live near our church, which is roughly 25 minutes from our house. See the problem? If the girls do not have the car, we now have to inconvenience their parents to have their parents drop them off at our place, only to have to turn around and come pick them up later that night. Almost an hour commute for the parents of the babysitter. Not happening. And bringing our kids to their house is out because to drive 25 minutes to the boonies, to turn around and drive 25 minutes to the closest movie theater, to then turn around and drive 25 minutes to pick up the kids, and then turn around and drive another 25 minutes home… well, you get the picture, it’s just a headache. Not to mention, the kids have nighttime routines, we need someone at our house to tuck them in.
The other option is to hire the girls who DO have cars, and pay them extra for the mileage to drive out our way. But we’ve tried this. On multiple occassions. The problem is that the girls who have cars, also have jobs, and boyfriends, and lives. They have busy schedules. And I have yet to find one who is free the night we need. We were recently invited to a swanky wedding in downtown Durham at a place called The Cotton Room. Okay, I have no idea what the Cotton Room is, but doesn’t it just sound splendid? I envisioned getting all fancied up. Vassil could whisk me in on one hand, holding a cigar in the other. Adding to the fantasy is the fact that we were told, no kids. Oh, it was going to be marvelous! So we asked the girls we knew from church, who we trust, who have cars, if they could come. We asked months in advance. We asked everyone. But, alas, they were “busy” that day. So with that, we had to RSVP with our regrets.
It sucks.
So let’s summarize. We have no family to watch our children. We do not feel comfortable hiring a random stranger to watch our children no matter how great the references or background check. If we don’t know them, we just can’t do it. That leaves us with hiring people we know/trust, but for the afore mentioned reasons, that doesn’t work either.
So yes. This is a distress signal.
S.O.S.
Can you imagine four years of virtually zero dates? That’s 1460 days. Do you understand what I’m saying? Or where I’m coming from?
What’s worse than 4 years of no dates… is realizing that there’s no hope for the foreseeable future. What’s worse is knowing that this sucks, and wanting to change, and wanting to start having regular date nights… but having no idea how to go about it. It’s like we’re stuck.
I honestly just want to go and have dinner with my husband without feeling rushed, or guilty, or like I need to rush home. I want to eat. I want to talk. I want to enjoy his company. I want to do fun things like we used to do. New and exciting things. I want to laugh. I want to hold his hand. I want to do all those things without having to stop every 5 minutes to attend to one of my kids. Or even think about the kids for once. Heck… I want to sleeeeeeeeeeep innnnnnnnnnnn!!! Oh, can you imagine it?!?! To sleep in?!?! Just once?!?! Oh, it would be divine!!!
Okay, I know I’m being selfish. And it’s Novemeber, and we should all be talking about our blessings and what we are thankful for. And I am thankful. I am so thankful for my life. And my kids. And my husband. Some people don’t have any of those things, and want them. Desperately. I have them and I love them and I cherish them. But I just am so desperate for time with my spouse at this point in our lives. I am. I’m sorry if that’s selfish. I’m just at my wits end. And tired of all the little fights we get into these days, because we don’t get that time. We don’t get time to have fun and reconnect. So when we see each other (at the end of the day) we are exhausted, and not our best, and we haven’t had that fun time together… and so it just leads to little tiffs… And I don’t like it. And I want to change that reality. But I don’t know how.
What makes me truly, truly sad is that our 9th anniversary is coming up in December. And most likely, we won’t be able to do anything at all. Because we won’t be able to find a sitter. NINE years of marriage… and no way to celebrate.
My 30th birthday is in March. Again. No sitter. No celebration. A cake at home with the kids will be nice. And I will appreciate it. But it’s not the same.
It makes me sad.
To those of you who have family around to help watch your kids so you can go on dates… I hope you know just how lucky and blessed you are. I hope you cherish those date nights. I hope, while you are out at the movies, or out at dinner, or out doing something fun and exciting with your spouse, even if you’re doing nothing at all, except being with the one you love, I hope that you take a moment to remember that somewhere, someplace there is a married couple who hasn’t had a real date in 4 years. And I hope realizing that you will be thankful for what you have. Cherish it.
I know I sure would.
