The Driver's Seat

Now that 2008 is here, and my year of leave is quickly evaporating, I find myself wondering what to do next.

Vassil tells me the best thing to do is to go back to teaching for at least another two years. This is due to the fact that when I was hired three years ago, the policy was that once you have 5 years with the State, you retain 100% of your health benefits when you retire. Likewise, Vassil reminds me (whether I'd like to admit it or not) that it will be good for Elizabeth to be around other babies--learning so much by observing other little ones her age.

And while I know that my husband, who is a very logical thinker and doer, is on some level right, I should go back, I can't help but feel a bit torn.

I know I should feel blessed that Vassil and I have the financial capability for me to even be having this dilemma--to go back or not. And I know that for most parents, there really isn't an option but for both parties to work. On the other hand, I almost wish we didn't have an option, because at least then it wouldn't be a matter of me having to choose which to do, it wouldn't be in my hands. If we didn't have a choice, maybe then it wouldn't feel like a decision I had made. Maybe then it wouldn't feel so selfish (irrationally so) of me to go back.

And if I do go back, I often wonder if I will be able to be less engulfed in my job. When I was teaching, I spent so much mental, physical, and especially emotional energy during the day, that I'd pretty much come home and plop on the couch and revert so some sort of amoebic state. That wasn't fair to myself, nor to Vassil. And now that I have Elizabeth, that just can't happen! I can't use up all that energy and leave none for my family. But am I capable of doing that? Is it possible for me to have less papers to grade at home? Is it possible for me to get less upset when a parent curses me out? Is it possible for me to find a way not to cry when a student behaves poorly? Or a colleague treats me unfairly? I'd like to be able to say that it is possible. But I know myself, and I know that I'd be lying if I said that.

And that leaves me wondering, what should I do?

Since the time I found out I was pregnant, to this day, I continue to have dreams about car accidents. These accidents are always different, but the one thing that remains similar is the fact that I'm always in the back seat, always unable to turn the wheel or break in time.

I think sometimes, and particularly at this point in my life, I feel like I'm not in control. And for a type-A, overachiever, that's a hard thing to handle. And yet, I feel it is an important lesson for me to learn. Because in life, even if we are type-A overachievers, things are never really in our hands. Ultimately, they are in God's. And so for the past year or so, a verse from the Bible continues to come to mind, which is: "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. To give you hope and a future.'" -Jeremiah 29:10-12. And I think the reason this verse keeps coming to me is to remind me that while I don't have it all figured out, while I'm not in the driver's seat, that God is taking me places, and that he is in control. And frankly that's all I really need to know.

So I guess in closing, while I still have no idea what to do once my year-leave is up, I do know that I will be praying for God to lead me in this decision.

And until then, I will keep reminding myself to put my trust and faith in the one who is in the driver's seat!